Two Miscarriages, A Change in Lifestyle, and Holding on to Hope Tighter than Fear: Julia’s Infertility Journey
Julia didn’t think infertility would be part of her journey to parenthood. She got married to her husband when they were 29 and they were both health coaches at the time. They ate a clean diet, her body was in great shape, and she thought having children was going to be a no brainer. At first it was, and on their second month trying they did get pregnant. However, they sadly ended up losing the baby. The thought of a miscarriage had never run through Julia’s mind as a possibility and when she got pregnant that first time, her immediate thought was that this was her baby and there was nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, it was the start of an incredibly challenging and heartbreaking road to becoming the mom she had always dreamed of becoming.
“I started to worry if my miscarriages broke me…[but my husband] was so resolute, and his belief really helped me hold on to hope tighter than my fear.”
LOSING OUR FIRST BABY
“We got pregnant after only two months of trying and when we got pregnant, we were renting an apartment in the town we lived in at the time. The second I got pregnant, we immediately started to look for a house because in my mind, we needed to raise our baby in a home. We found a house, put an offer in, and the day it was accepted, I started bleeding. I was at a friend’s wedding when the bleeding started, and I remember telling myself that it was going to be fine. I called the doctor, and the advice was to rest but that night it got heavier, and the next day was an impressive amount of blood that was more than any period I’d ever had. It was physically painful but also emotionally because at that point, I knew that I had lost the baby. I was only seven weeks pregnant and had known I was pregnant for three weeks, but in that time, we had bought a house and started planning our future as a family of three.
I went to the doctor the next day and they confirmed I had miscarried. They told me to take the day off from work, rest as long as I needed to recover, but to not worry. My doctor was kind and said that miscarriage happens to a large percent of pregnancies and could be closer to 50%, which would account for those miscarriages that are never even recorded or realized. Hearing that number made me feel better in a moment where I felt devastated.
Because my doctor wasn’t worried, I wasn’t worried either, but I was so sad. I had never cried so hard in my life after losing our first baby. My doctor said to give myself a few months to recover and heal and then start trying again. My thoughts turned to accepting this happened one time, but we would get through it.
The miscarriage happened in September, we moved into the house we bought in October, and we flew out to California to visit my mom for Thanksgiving in November. The morning we were leaving for Thanksgiving, I took a pregnancy test, and it was actually positive! We hadn’t really been trying and I immediately felt like this pregnancy was a miracle. Hours later, I was on the flight and started to miscarry again and later we were out at dinner, and I just started to bleed all over the chair. I was mortified and I could not stop crying and I could not stop drinking. I went to a dark place and told my husband that I was going to stay in California because there was no way that I could go back to our new house that was supposed to be the home we raised the two babies we now lost. I didn’t want to be in the house or even see it again. I needed a minute.”
MISCARRIAGE AND LIVING IN DARKNESS
“My husband pulled me out of that dark place and told me that we were going to get through this. He encouraged me to go home so we could figure this out together. I immediately went back to my doctor and told her I was now worried that this happened twice, and she said they don’t really worry unless it happens three times. That didn’t feel right to me. I was at a point where I would cry myself to sleep every single night and my husband would say that he could hear me crying in my sleep. I felt like my body was failing me and like I was never going to be able to hold a pregnancy to term. I was worried it was my fault because of my anxiety disorder or that I was moving too much and placed so much blame on myself and my body.
The second miscarriage happened in November, and in January we decided to start trying again. Month after month after month, we could not get pregnant. Each month that passed and I wasn’t pregnant, had me falling deeper and deeper into depression. I could think of nothing else except for the fact I was not pregnant and how badly I wanted to have a baby. For 14 months, these thoughts consumed me, and everyone would tell me that once I got through this, I would forget this part of my journey to motherhood. Let me tell you, I have not forgotten!”
“Everyone would tell me that once I got through this, I would forget this part of my journey to motherhood. Let me tell you, I have not forgotten!”
FIRST VISIT WITH AN REPRODUCTIVE EMBROYOLOGIST
“By August I decided it had been long enough and I wanted to see what was going on with my body. My OBGYN sent me to a reproductive embryologist (RE) and she was an older woman who immediately seemed jaded and angry. I told her my story and she decided we’d start with an ultrasound and bunch of other tests.
When I went back in to review the results, she told me it was unexplained infertility and didn’t skip a beat to tell me that we’d start with two rounds of intrauterine insemination (IUI) and if that doesn’t work we’d move along to IVF. Because of my cycle, she said we’d need to start the process in two or three days and in general, this was going to be my only opportunity to get pregnant. She was so matter of fact and very by the book and when I shared with her that I had extreme anxiety, didn’t sleep, and worked 90 hours a week, she said absolutely none of that contributed to my infertility and that this was completely physical.
I knew immediately in that moment this doctor was not for me and I decided to take matters into my own hands…Let’s go!”
BECOMING MY OWN BEST ADVOCATE
“I had a friend who also had a miscarriage and she introduced me to Aimee Raupp who is a ‘health and fertility detective’ and helps older women get pregnant all the time. A lot of her work is focused on diet and lifestyle and a more natural approach. I started seeing Aimee and the main thing she told me was that I had to stop working 90-hour weeks. My body could not hold a baby if I was constantly in a state of stress. At the time, I was working a full-time job and writing my blog, making about the same money from both. She told me that I had to pick one if I wanted to have a child. It was a hard decision and scary financially and after talking it over with my husband, I made the decision to quit my full-time job so I could work normal 40-hour weeks.
We then moved on to my eating and drinking habits. When I started seeing Aimee, I was depressed, not yet on anxiety medication and instead I was self-medicating and drinking way too much. I cut way back on my alcohol intake and then last thing she wanted me to do was cut out 100% of gluten. That was an absolute NO for me, so I made all the other changes she suggested but still didn’t get pregnant. I then decided to try going gluten free for a couple of weeks to see what happened and after four to five weeks without gluten in my diet, I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 6 years old!”
PREGNANCY AFTER LOSS IS NOT EASY
“It was scary getting pregnant after our previous losses. A couple of weeks after we found out we were pregnant with my daughter, I started bleeding again and this time it was at night. My doctor said to go to the emergency room (ER), and I was hysterically crying once we arrived because I was still bleeding. It took a while for them to see me, and they brought in an ultrasound, and I was still crying uncontrollably, and the ultrasound tech was incredibly kind. She told me that they aren’t supposed to show me anything until the doctor was there, but she let me listen to the heartbeat and it was such a compassionate moment. I literally thought that if I went through another miscarriage, it would kill me and the peace that I felt after hearing the heartbeat was what I needed to get through that moment.
The other thing that helped me in those initials weeks of pregnancy was holding on to the hope that my husband’s intuition brought with it. I remember him coming home from work the day I told him we were pregnant, and he immediately responded that this was our baby…he just knew it. Not only that, but he also knew it was a girl (and he was right by the way)! He was so resolute, and his belief really helped me hold on to hope tighter than my fear.
Aimee, who had been helping me on my fertility journey also helped me in those early weeks of being pregnant. I called her in those early days and asked her how I was supposed to go through this with my anxiety. She told me that I had to let myself feel the anxiety. I was going to feel it either way and needed to allow myself to do so. She reminded me that it was okay to be scared and to also not beat myself up for feeling scared because that was only going to layer feelings on top of feelings. Hearing those words helped me and when I felt scared, I allowed myself to fully feel it.
I wasn’t expecting it, but after 12 weeks, the anxiety I felt being pregnant did start to feel easier. I was still nervous and afraid to get test results each time but with each week, I started trusting that our little girl was going to be okay…and so was I.”
“The sadness lasted a long time and I learned it’s ok to feel that sadness…loss is devastating and you must allow yourself to hold grief for it.”
FINDING A WAY FORWARD AFTER GRIEF AND LOSS
“Something that was helpful for me when going through the loss and grief of our miscarriages was writing about it. I wrote the story of our miscarriages before I got pregnant with our daughter, showed it to my husband, and he said I needed to publish it to my blog. My immediate response was there was no way I could post something like that with it being so personal. He continued to encourage me to hit publish because he knew it could help so many people.
As soon as I shared our story on the blog, I heard from what now totals over 2,000 women, each one sharing their own stories. Hearing everyone’s journeys that were like mine AND hearing how they ended in a success helped me so much. Whether it was having their own baby through IVF, adopting, or figuring out they didn’t want kids, each story provided an example of the person feeling good at the end of their journey.
In addition to strangers, I also heard from friends and family, including older women in my family, who shared for the first time they had miscarriages, too. I had best friends share they had a miscarriage a few years ago and I couldn’t believe I didn’t know about it during the time. It was awful and I couldn’t believe that I had not known about their losses.
This is why I continue to talk about our own journey because I want anyone who’s in the middle of infertility right now to hear my story and know it’s going to be okay. I didn’t go through IVF, and I didn’t go through a lot of really hard infertility things that people go through to have their child, but losing a baby and having a miscarriage is incredibly devastating and you shouldn’t feel alone going through it.”
YOU CAN’T TELL SOMEONE BATTLING INFERTILITY TO RELAX
“When I hit publish on the blog post that shared our miscarriages, we had also made the decision that I wasn’t going to talk about it again until I got pregnant. We had decided to take the next six months off from trying so hard and putting so much pressure on ourselves to get pregnant. If after six months we still weren’t pregnant, we decided we would figure out the next steps and go down the IUI route, if needed.
That mindset shift helped me no longer feel completely consumed by all things pregnancy related. Prior to that point, it was all I thought about and I could do nothing else but think about having a baby. But when I took the pressure off myself, it allowed my mind to take a rest, knowing that in six months we had another plan if in that time it didn’t go well, and we didn’t get pregnant.
However, I don’t think you can tell someone to ‘just relax’. When you’re in the thick of it, you’re in it. You must truly be ready to take the break for the break to make a difference on your mindset.”
“I want anyone who’s in the middle of infertility right now to hear my story and know it’s going to be okay.”
MAINTAINING A STRONG BOND WITH YOUR PARTNER THROUGH INFERTILITY
“Going through a miscarriage is hard on both the person carrying the child and the partner. However, in my experience, the pain lasts longer for the person carrying the baby and within a couple of weeks of our first miscarriage, my husband was ready to move forward and try again. I, on the other hand was depressed for a long time and I had to work on not blaming or getting angry with my husband for moving forward faster than I could. We went to couples therapy, which helped a lot and I learned that it wasn’t that he didn’t love me or our potential baby but rather he wasn’t juggling the hormones I was and could get over it faster. Biologically, I could do not that.
If you can, try to stick with your partner through infertility, do the therapy, and anything else you need to work out whatever challenges you are going through. For me, the sadness lasted a long time and I learned it’s ok to feel that sadness alongside my husband. A doctor said something that resonated with me, and it was that a miscarriage is a loss of hope and it’s a loss of a future that you envision for yourself. That loss is devastating, and you must allow yourself to hold grief for it.”
MY BODY WENT RADIO SILENT AFTER TWO MISCARRIAGES
“The miscarriages themselves were not the most shocking part of my infertility journey. It was that after getting pregnant so easily twice, consecutively, my body went radio silent after the two miscarriages, and I struggled for so long to get pregnant again. I was not expecting that at all.
My doctor and the people I talked to who I knew were doctors always said that at least I knew my body could get pregnant and that was a good sign that I was likely fine. But as time went on after the miscarriages and I still couldn’t get pregnant again, I started to worry if my miscarriages broke me. That was a wake-up moment for me that led me to think there was something wrong with me.”
HOLDING LOSS TRAUMA IN THE BODY
“After I had my daughter and before I had my son, I went to a woman who does cranial sacral therapy that is intense energy and body healing. She had me lay down, close my eyes, and she used her hands to scan my entire body without touching my body. I had no idea where her hands were at any point and about half an hour in, I was in a deep mediation and felt something over the spot where my uterus is. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up and my entire body started to sweat. The practitioner kept reassuring me that I wasn’t going to get sick and that this was my body working through a trauma. She had me sit up and she kept going while I sat there hysterically crying with a bucket in front of me, trying to breathe through it.
She then asked me what I was seeing and I could visualize my daughter as I was giving birth to her and that was one trauma but I was also working through the traumas of my two miscarriages. Through this healing work, I realized I had been holding on to the physical traumas of the miscarriages but even more so the emotional trauma that was associated with them. It was an incredibly cathartic and amazing experience to get all of that out of my body and I absolutely believe we hold on to trauma emotionally and physically.”
“Don’t stop hoping and don’t stop trying…this is a stage of your life and no matter how it ends, it’s going to end.
FOR THOSE STILL WALKING THE PATH OF INFERTILITY
“For anyone who’s still on their infertility journey, don’t stop hoping and don’t stop trying.
I hate when people say that your baby will come when they are ready but being on the other side of my journey, I really do believe that now. The two kids I ended up with are truly mine and they are the ones who were supposed to be. They also came at the exact right time, despite me thinking I was ready earlier, I don’t think I was. They came when they were supposed to.
Keep the hope alive and look to other women and their stories. Know that while it’s hard right now, it won’t be like this forever. This is a stage of your life and no matter how it ends, it’s going to end.
You will get through it.”
Julia shares her adventures in style, motherhood, healthy living, home décor, and family life over on her blog Lemon Stripes and her goal is to make you smile daily, but also talk about real topics in an honest way, just as she has done here! You can follow Julia, feel the heart felt connections she makes with her readers, and see how she continues to support others battling infertility and all the real-life challenges on Instagram @lemonstripes. She’ll make you laugh, she’ll share a delicious recipe, she’ll make you feel like you’re not the only one having a hard time, and she’ll make you feel like you have a friend!