Learning to Love Myself and Give Myself Grace After Seven Years of Unsuccessful Fertility Treatment: Shandell’s Infertility Journey
Shandell was the first in her family to have known infertility issues and when she and her husband decided to start trying to have kids, they had no idea how much of a struggle it would be. Going to high school in the 2000’s, there was no mention of infertility in Shandell’s sex education. The message was that if you had sex, you would get pregnant, and that was it. Shandell and her husband started trying naturally, and in the beginning, it was a joke with her friends that they were sure to be the first ones to have kids. But sex education and her friends’ predictions were unfortunately incorrect. When she went to her primary care doctor and shared her initial concerns, they asked if they had been trying for a year, and because the answer was ‘no’, they wanted Shandell and her husband to keep trying without help until they reached the one-year mark. Seven years later, and they still are still walking their path of infertility that has been physically hard but had an even greater impact on Shandell’s mental health.
“I want to be a mom… And, I also don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life fighting for motherhood and jeopardize my happiness for something that is supposed to come so naturally for a woman.”
I DIDN’T WANT TO BELIEVE THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
“We waited almost a year and a half before meeting with a reproductive embryologist (RE). I had a gut feeling there was something wrong with me, preventing us from getting pregnant, but I also didn’t want to face the reality of it being something with me. It took my husband pointing out how one negative test after another, month after month, was affecting both of us and it was time to for professional help.
My primary care doctor referred me to an OB, and he was an incredible doctor and very knowledgeable. He ran a handful of tests and decided the best first step was a medicated cycle. We did two medicated cycles with him, to include timed intercourse and when we reached the need for a third round, he told us this was beyond his expertise and there was nothing more he could do for us. He decided it was time for us to see a specialist.”
STARTING OUR JOURNEY AT AN INFERTILITY CLINIC
“We started working with Dr. Rodriguez with Texas IVF in 2018 and he was incredible. I felt so blessed to find a doctor who truly cared for me and didn’t treat me like a number. He listened to my concerns and was open to trying new treatment options or anything he thought had the potential to help.
Dr. Rodriguez started by running my bloodwork over again and retested my husband just to make sure all the numbers looked good. Everything looked great on my husband and Dr. Rodriguez confirmed my original fears that there was likely something going on with me. We moved forward with a saline sonogram and checked my hormone levels during a cycle and the sonogram showed a blockage in my right fallopian tube. Before having surgery, my doctor suggested we do medicated cycles to see if the blocked tube was potentially not affecting anything but after two failed medicated cycles with him, he decided a laparoscopy would be best.
There were three potential outcomes going into the laparoscopy: everything could look great, they could find they needed to remove my right tube, or both of my tubes would need to be removed. If the last option was needed, my only option for getting pregnant would be IVF. Going into the surgery, I was anxious, not knowing what the outcome would ultimately be and we also had some concern about potential endometriosis. I have a history of extremely painful cycles and can bleed so much in a cycle that I can go through two boxes of tampons. When they did the laparoscopy, they thankfully did not find any endometriosis, however, my right fallopian tube was so damaged that they had to remove it.
There are no clear answers as to what happened to my right fallopian tube. It could have been scarring or I could have been genetically born with a right tube that didn’t function properly. We’ll never know, but it was doing more harm than good being in there and it was best to take it out. We were optimistic that this was preventing us from getting pregnant and removing it was going to solve our problems.”
“I made the choice to be more open about our story because the infertility community lacks people of different races and I love that I can speak out and also receive incredible support in return.”
MAYBE IUI’S WILL BE ALL WE NEED
“After removing my right tube, my doctor wanted me to try naturally again for six months. My husband and I timed everything and tried naturally for six months, and those six months went by with no success. We called Dr. Rodriguez and I loved that he didn’t push IVF on us and instead, felt like we were healthy and good candidates for insemination.
Our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) cycle was relatively basic and included Clomid. When we didn’t get pregnant after the first IUI, the doctor increased my Clomid and added an injection to help my body develop my eggs. Still no success.
At this point, we had spent over $10,000 USD out of pocket because our insurance didn’t cover any infertility treatment. Insurance viewed our RE as a specialist and infertility treatment as a ‘want’, similar to someone wanting plastic surgery but not necessarily needing it. That left us paying for almost all our testing and the IUIs on our own. My doctor did send me back to my OB to do the laparoscopy so insurance would cover that procedure, but we were still left with most of the bills despite not physically being able to have a child.”
DECIDING IT’S TIME TO START IVF
“After the second IUI failed, we were left questioning where to go from there. Having spent between $10,000 -$15,000 USD, we had already almost paid for an IVF cycle. We knew IVF was not a guarantee, but we also knew that IVF would give us a better chance than IUI. We had a conversation with our RE, and he suggested that IVF would now give us a greater opportunity to get quality embryos and hopefully create a baby earthside.
We decided to move forward with IVF and at the time of the egg retrieval process, I was working in property management, where I was working long hours. Despite having a challenging schedule to juggle, I had an incredibly supportive boss and team. When I disclosed to my boss, who was a male, that I was struggling with infertility and starting treatment, he supported me 120% from that day forward. If I was having a particularly challenging day or if I had a procedure scheduled, everyone at work supported me, which I know not everyone has when going through this.”
OUR FIRST EGG RETRIEVAL
“Before I went in for our first egg retrieval, I had 20 follicles but when my RE did the procedure, there were only 10 that were viable. When I came out of the surgery and they shared the news, I immediately felt like our numbers and our chances were terrible. The next day, we got the call and learned that six fertilized and then four became blastocyts and then embryos. Ultimately only two embryos made it all the way and were high grade.
I was ready to immediately move forward with a transfer, but my doctor wanted to run a few more tests. I appreciated how thorough he was, but it also meant more waiting and I was tired of waiting. Ultimately, my doctor ran an endometrial receptivity analysis test (ERA test) to test the optimal receptivity of my lining and they found I was post-receptive, which means I need less progesterone than a normal woman. This result had me within a 2% category of women and so my RE wanted to run the test one more time to confirm the original results, which would impact our transfer procedure.
I appreciated the thoroughness, but this meant another mock transfer where I pump myself with all the medications, pay for those medications out of pocket, and go through another cycle with no chance of getting pregnant. We went through with the second ERA and we got the same results: I was post-receptive.”
“I remember the moment they put the embryo in as the magical moment everyone describes it to be and watched our embryo transfer as if I was watching a shooting star.”
FINALLY, TIME TO FOR OUR FIRST EMBRYO TRANSFER
“I started prepping for my transfer, my lining looked great, and everything in general was going beautifully. My transfer day was at the beginning of April and ended up being during the Easter holiday weekend and I remember thinking that the timing was perfect. I love Easter, I love the time for reflection and felt like this was God’s timing.
Our transfer was beautiful and magical but started with an unexpected event. About 10 minutes before we were about to head back for the transfer, the building’s fire alarms went off and we were outside waiting for 10-15 minutes. Once we were finally cleared to get started, everything went seamlessly. I didn’t feel a thing but remember the moment they put the embryo in as the magical moment that everyone describes it to be and watched our embryo transfer as if I was watching a shooting star.
We entered our two week wait (TWW) and unfortunately our first transfer failed. I just went completely numb in both my body and my mind. I didn’t have any feelings and instead focused on the fact that we still had one more embryo to transfer. I wanted to move forward with the second transfer right away.”
WHEN YOUR SECOND EMBRYO TRANSFER FAILS AND YOU GO NUMB
“Our doctor changed our protocol for the second transfer and added more medication. We were on board for all of it and loved that our doctor was open to try different things. We started the transfer protocol again, there were no fire alarms on transfer day this time, and everything went perfectly. This was our holy grail with it being our last embryo and two days before my birthday, we got the call that we had another failed transfer.
Hearing that we weren’t pregnant after pouring everything we had into this last transfer was an out of body experience. I was there physically but mentally I was numb and took myself somewhere else. It was like I was witness to all around me, I could see everything, but I had fallen and couldn’t breathe.
It was at this point that I looked at my husband and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed a break, and he knew I needed help. We decided to take a break and we haven’t been in treatments for a year and half.”
TAKING A BREAK TO HEAR MY OWN VOICE
“During our break from treatment, we have moved from Texas to Michigan and the move has been a godsend to me. Through this move, I have realized just how much my mental health was struggling. Not having my family and friends close by or my old job where I could work long weekends and escape from our reality left me being by myself with my own thoughts. For the first time, I heard my own voice, listened, and knew I needed help.
Reaching my breaking point, I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. I would get into these funks that I just couldn’t get out of, and I found myself not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I didn’t want to see anyone. It wasn’t who I know myself to be, and I decided to find a therapist to help me find myself again.
The therapist I have found has been incredible in how she supports me and listens to me. I still have a long way to go and have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD but we’re working through different coping mechanisms.”
“Here I am after over six years of trying, using all the science that we have access to, and I still can’t get an embryo to stick…For the first time, I heard my own voice, listened, and knew I needed help.”
TAKING CARE OF MY MENTAL HEALTH DURING INFERTILITY
“After both of my transfers were unsuccessful, I blamed myself. I know everyone says it’s not your fault but there’s a part of me that can’t help but think that I’m a woman and getting pregnant is something that is supposed to come naturally for me. Here I am after over six years of trying, using all the science that we have access to, and I still can’t get an embryo to stick.
We didn’t have our two embryos tested, so I don’t know if they were a boy or girl, but those embryos were our potential children. The fact that I couldn’t keep them safe was something that has really affected me. I’ve learned through my therapist that I wasn’t suicidal, but I had passive suicidal thoughts where I’d think how nice it would be if I just didn’t have to wake up on a given day because I didn’t want to face the day. My therapist has helped me see that this is the PTSD and the trauma from infertility that I must talk about and talk through.
As a woman, we are groomed from society to find our partner, get married, and then our kids will come naturally, and we’ll have a bunch of them. It’s the reason that when a woman says she doesn’t want kids she can receive a negative backlash. It’s this same reason that makes going through infertility particularly hard. It’s also why it took me such a long time to realize that I needed help because I truly didn’t want to face it and I didn’t want to feel that I was losing it.”
LOSING MYSELF TO INFERTILITY
“Through my infertility journey, I have forgotten who I am. I know I am not the same woman I was four years ago before we started our first treatment protocol. But through all of this, although I know IVF is not guaranteed to work, I have held on to hope that it was going to work for us. The fact that it has not worked for us yet has forced me to ask the scary question of whether I will be happy and joyful in life if I don’t have kids? Will being with my husband and just myself make me feel content in my life?
Those are the questions I’m focused on and I’m giving myself the space and time to process the possibility of not having kids. Because if I can’t be happy with that alternative life, I also know I can’t keep living this life with my depression and anxiety. While I have moments of happiness, the weight of the depression and anxiety are pulling me down, and I can be honest with myself now and say I’m not truly happy.”
I DON’T RECOGNIZE MYSELF PHYSICALLY AFTER INFERTILTY
“My physical appearance has also been impacted by infertility plays a significant role in my mental health status, as well. It’s also a cycle, just like grief, and after all the hormone medications and treatments, I’ve gained so much weight. Right now, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been since starting this journey and I’ve struggled with my appearance and how I look.
It’s another thing I’m working with my therapist on because I want to love who I am fully, both mentally and also physically. I look at myself today, and it’s not who I was for our five years ago before I started treatments. I’ve likely gained 20 to 30 pounds after constantly pumping myself with hormone medications and going on and off birth control as part of the protocols.
It’s a cycle that never stops and is completely draining. It’s why you want to escape from reality and allow your mind to go somewhere else.”
RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF
“Taking a break and reconnecting with who I am have helped me so much, especially with the support of my husband. Because of this break, I don’t have to worry about revolving our life around infertility, the doctor’s appointments, canceling trips, or not showing up to events because we have treatments. I’m no longer consumed with timing everything perfectly with injections, bloodwork, and treatment protocols. This break has been like an escape from all of that.
I’ve also worked on increasing my relationship with God and building my faith back up because for the longest time during our infertility journey, I had been so angry with him. I’m working on other coping mechanisms, as well, like getting active again. I was an athlete in high school and played soccer and getting the motivation again to do something for myself again has been helpful. At a certain point in our infertility journey, I had decided if we weren’t pregnant, I was going to buy myself a Peloton bike and that’s exactly what I did. Working out again has been completely about putting myself first in a way I was no longer doing because for the past four years of treatment, I had put infertility first instead.”
“Through my infertility journey I have forgotten who I am…I want to love myself fully, both mentally and also physically.”
ADOPTION ISN’T AN EASY OPTION
“Before we started our journey, my husband and I had talked about adoption, and I’ve been open to it, but with where I am at right now, I don’t know if I want to go through that process. What a lot of people don’t understand with adoption is that it doesn’t come easy and it’s additional money that we’ve already spent. I don’t know how much more money I want to spend in this way.
I want to be a mom. I have a desire to be a mom. And, I also don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life fighting for motherhood and jeopardize my happiness for something that is supposed to come so naturally for a woman. What is supposed to come naturally for me hasn’t and I’m now working to find happiness in myself exactly where I am.
Right now, it’s just my husband and myself and I want to make sure that I’m the best version of myself for me but also so we can have the best version of our marriage regardless of whether our future includes children or not.”
I WISH I HAD MORE SUPPORT FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH
“The mental health side of infertility has been the most shocking part of this journey and something I didn’t fully expect. I wish my fertility clinic had talked to me about the mental health side of this experience in the same way that they discussed the financial aspects. The IVF journey is hard and when you start the process, you think it’s going to work on the first try and you’ll be pregnant after your first transfer. That’s not how it works.
I think some clinics have started to offer counselors, but I wish it were more standard across clinics. I feel if I could have started counseling from the beginning of my fertility treatments, it would have provided the support I needed and kept me from having to reach my breaking point to then realize I needed help.
What makes this journey especially difficult emotionally, is that the grief and loss that comes with it is not linear. It’s an ever cycling of waves that come like a roller coaster with ups and downs on repeat. I can have moments of happiness but then grief hits, depression sinks in, and I’m left feeling like it is all too much to handle. That’s why I always retreat and just want to sit on the couch, so I don’t have to function or deal with daily life. I put on Gilmore Girls and escape because I reach a point where I don’t want to deal with it all anymore.
I’ve gone through hard things prior to infertility, like my two back surgeries in my 20’s that changed my life. But that didn’t affect me mentally in the same way that infertility has impacted my mental health. I’ve never delt with anxiety or depression in the way that I have been challenged on this infertility journey.”
FINDING SUPPORT THROUGHOUT INFERTILITY
“My immediate family has been very supportive, and my mom in particular has been amazing. Because we were the first in our families to go through infertility, my husband and I had to help educate our families on infertility and help guide them on how best to support us. Our parents wanted to take the pain and hurt away but in this case, they couldn’t do that. I have loved how my mom and mother-in-law have done research and have been cautious of what they say to us and how it affects what we do every day.
Our friend group has been supportive of us and our journey, as well. They reach out to check-in and are sensitive to what we are going through. One of my friends has done her research and it’s incredible to have a friend that truly cares for me in that way. During the journey I’ve also lost friends through the process, and I’ve had to mourn those relationships and grieve. But ultimately, our infertility journey has showed me who my true friends are.
I also must acknowledge the infertility community on Instagram and even though I haven’t met many of them, they have become my closest friends. I’ve connected with women from all different cultures, all different backgrounds and I love that there were two accounts in particular that inspired me to share my story and help other women of color feel seen. I made the choice to be more open about our story because the infertility community lacks people of different races and I love that I can speak out and also receive incredible support in return. Each of these women feel like my girlfriend, and they fully understand what I’m going through.”
“I’ve had to be so strong throughout this journey and I don’t want to be strong anymore…I’m focusing on loving myself, being gentle, and giving myself grace.”
FOR THOSE WALKING THE PATH OF INFERTILITY
“I’m still in the thick of my own infertility journey but in this next season, I’m trying to be gentle with myself. When I first started this journey, I felt like I always had to be strong and just press on to keep going. I didn’t express how I was feeling or feel like I could and I’m now learning that it’s ok to not be ok! I’m learning to give myself the space that I need to be gentle with myself.
My husband also suffers from anxiety and has suffered with it his whole life. This process has helped us work on giving each other the space we need when one of us is not having a great day and embracing one another when we need it. As two anxious people living together, I don’t want to trigger him, and he doesn’t want to trigger me and we’re actively working to figure out how best we can support one another in a way that serves us both.
Ultimately, I’m focused right now on giving myself grace. I’ve had to be so strong throughout this journey and I don’t want to be strong anymore. I know that sounds counterintuitive to this process, but fighting to stay strong this whole time pushed how I was truly feeling to the back of my mind. Instead, I’m focusing on loving myself, being gentle, and giving myself grace.
Because I deserve it.
I deserve it.”
Since talking with Shandell, she is currently deciding how and when to move forward with her fertility treatments. You can continue to follow Shandell’s journey and see how she continues to uplift and support others battling infertility on Instagram @shandieeexoxo.