Personal Essay: Jackie’s Discovery of New Hope after Late Loss
When I think about our infertility story, I think about how up and down our story moves. How much hope we could feel in a moment and how much grief was felt in the next. Like many others going through infertility, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for us.
We chose to move on to donor conception when it was made clear that my eggs were not going to make us a viable embryo, let alone a baby. This was one of the "down" portions of this rollercoaster ride. But with the help of my cousin we got 5 embryos.
From the beginning of our journey, I had this nagging feeling that there was no way I was going to get through this process easily. Unfortunately, I was proven right and my first embryo transfer was not successful. At 8 weeks 2 days, this thought became my reality when my baby no longer had a heartbeat. After a D&C I went on to grieve as many women do, and I grieve to this day for that baby. He was a boy, and he had trisomy 15. I loved him with my whole heart.
We went on to do multiple transfers, all failing, and without much explanation. We were often told: "It must be an embryo issue." After a laproscopic surgery it was revealed I had extensive endometriosis, which was removed, and we were ready to try again. This is when embryo donation came in.
We met our donors casually on a Facebook site intended for embryo donation. We had a casual relationship with texting every few days, organically growing a friendship. 17 total embryos were donated to us andI couldn't believe someone would be so selfless in giving us an opportunity to have a child. We got pregnant with our next transfer.
I wish I could say that this worked out in our favor, but our pregnancy went on to be a monoamniotic monochorionic twin pregnancy, which is the highest risk and rarest form of identical twins.
We lost Remy at 23 weeks, and we lost Wyatt at 30 weeks. But just like my first pregnancy, I loved these boys with my whole entire heart. They will always be a part of our story and I will miss them every single day.
The unfortunate thing about loss is that just because bad things have happened to you previously, it doesn't stop other bad things from happening to you.
Our sons have changed everything about us. We see things differently now. We feel things differently. And everything in our lives is different now. Not bad, just different.
I have learned that I enjoy volunteering, and talking to other women who have experienced loss and I have met some amazing women because of this. I have changed careers, and I have found new hope. A hope of having another baby, and telling them all about their brothers, and how they changed our lives.
Essay written by: Jackie Henneman
You can continue to follow Jackie’s journey and see how she continues to uplift and support others battling infertility on Instagram @J_j_familystory.
This is part of the Humanize Infertility Personal Essay collection. If you would like to share your own writing, we would love to read your work. Sharing your infertility journey requires incredible vulnerability and courage and it’s something we do not take lightly as we read through each submission. You are not just sharing your story; you are also sharing a piece of your heart.