Finding Joy, Hope, and Meaning After a Miscarriage: Brittany’s Pregnancy Loss Journey

Before Brittany and her husband started to try and get pregnant, she was aware that not everyone has an easy road to pregnancy and her eyes were open to the possibility that getting pregnant could be a challenge. When she was young, Brittany’s mom miscarried her first child and included him in everything going forward so Brittany was aware of who he was and the loss. Brittany’s sister also experienced unexplained infertility for three years and went on medication but chose not to go through IVF. Her sister went through an adoption process and now has three biological girls that Brittany felt was incredible to journey to witness.

“Going through [pregnancy loss] left me feeling like I didn’t matter at so many points…like Anthony didn’t matter.”

Brittany went into her own journey of becoming a mother knowing it might not be easy and unfortunately there were many warning signs during her first pregnancy that indicated things weren’t going well. Despite watching her sister go through loss, it didn’t make the pain of Brittany’s own loss any easier to hold or walk through. But she found her way through and now advocates for others who are forced to walk a similar journey in hopes that they feel a little less alone.

I STARTED BLEEDING AND KNEW IT WAS A MISCARRIAGE

“I was 10 weeks and five days along in my first pregnancy when I found out I was miscarrying, and my pregnancy wasn’t viable. But there were warning signs before I started bleeding that I was told not to worry about. At one ultrasound exam, the baby’s heart rate was low, around 86 beats per minute, and when I asked if it was a problem, my worries were brushed to the side, and I was told not to be concerned. Around the nine-week mark, right before I started to bleed, I felt all my pregnancy symptoms go away. I had been very sick, my breasts were tender, all the standard early pregnancy symptoms, and then they completely and suddenly stopped. Again, I was told that because I was nearing the end of my first trimester, what I was experiencing was standard and I should be happy that I didn’t feel sick anymore.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  

When I started to bleed, it was two days after Christmas, and I accepted that something bad was going to happen with the pregnancy. We were at my parents’ house, away from my doctor’s office, and I was initially diagnosed with a sub chorionic hemorrhage and went on pelvic bed rest for the week. I didn’t know if I should have hope or not for this pregnancy and I looked for support from my doctor’s office, but I couldn’t get a response over the holidays.

It was a week before I could get in for an ultrasound and they could confirm the miscarriage. In that week, I was angry because I felt like there were warning signs that were ignored, and I was ignored. But the moment my body heard that I was miscarrying, I started to pass clots from 9pm until 1am the next morning. Now that I have been through labor twice with my daughters, I can say that I went through the night contracting and going through labor with my son. I never learned the sex of the baby but always felt he was a boy and name him Anthony. The night I miscarried and lost him was awful.

The following day, my doctor called and skipped the greetings and immediately asked what I was doing. She hadn’t checked in with me in over a week but insisted that I needed to come in for a D&C.”

PREGNANCY AFTER LOSS – IT’S HARD TO FEEL JOY

“We miscarried our first child in January 2020 and then found out we were pregnant again in June 2020. The time in between felt like a long road though because I bled for an exceptionally long time after my miscarriage, the world shut down for COVID, and we were moving to a new city. But there was a stark difference in how we learned we were pregnant the first time versus the second time. For the first time, I tested myself in the bathroom and then surprised my husband at a special spot close to where we lived at the time and took a video. I’m so glad we have that now because outside of those moments, my first pregnancy didn’t have a lot of joy.

For the second pregnancy, I insisted that my husband sit on the floor of the bathroom with me while I took and waited for the test. I was terrified of the results and flooded with emotions. We found out together in our bathroom that we were pregnant and shared with our family in a very matter of fact way. I will always be sad that we didn’t share with as much joy the second time around because I think people also responded differently. They wanted to reflect the emotions we were giving off. I now share with others that when you are pregnant after a loss, be as excited as you want other people to be for you because they are going to look to you to determine the level of excitement to show.

Being pregnant the second time during the pandemic left me feeling like it was a delicate situation being pregnant after a miscarriage AND during a pandemic. I was scared to go out and was careful about who we saw and when I reached 10 weeks and five days, the time of my first miscarriage, it was a big deal. Partly because I reached a milestone but also because it would have been a milestone for my first baby: It lined up at the same time as Anthony’s due date.”

“The thoughts you had in your head and the dreams you had for your child are so important…no one can take that away from you.”

CELEBRATING ANTHONY’S LIFE

“Anthony’s due date is always so hard for me and each year I do something to celebrate him. On my Instagram account, I let people ask me questions about pregnancy loss or anything about my situation in general, and for each question I donate a certain dollar amount to a charity that helps support women and families going through loss. It’s a heavy day, and always will be, but it’s also a beautiful way to celebrate Anthony.”  

FEAR OF SPEAKING MY PREGNANCY INTO EXISTENCE

“The early days of pregnancy can be a scary time for people and the result is being pregnant and isolated. I know the real fear of sharing a pregnancy early, before 12 weeks, because of the worry that you might miscarry. When I was pregnant with my second and third pregnancy, I knew that if something happened, I would have the support of those I told, yet I was still scared to share. It was a fear of speaking my pregnancy into existence, knowing there was a risk that it could all be taken away.

The fear in those early days is real and it can rob us of joy and leave us feeling terrified and scared. 

With my daughter, my second pregnancy, she started moving and I instantly worried about whether she was moving too much or not enough. When she had hiccups for the first time, I called the nurse worried that something was wrong and that worry grew to the point where I didn’t want to setup the nursery until I was 30 weeks along. I had texted my friends and asked that if my daughter didn’t make it, they’d take her nursery apart and put everything in the basement storage room before I came home. My friends thought it was an awful thought but were also quick to say that they’d of course do it for me because they understood where my fear was coming from.

People who have never experienced loss would never think about going to the hospital and not coming home with their baby. Yet, after the loss of Anthony, I would look at the car seat in the backseat before my daughter was born, and just hope that we would get to bring her home. Having a healthy baby is never a guarantee, and until she was on my chest, I didn’t believe it would ever actually happen for us.

Pregnancy after loss is a unique experience that was mentally difficult in a way I never could have imagined. But I can also say that I would do it all 50 times over if it meant I got to have my healthy daughter.”

“After the loss of Anthony, I would look at the car seat in the backseat before my daughter was born, and just hope that we would get to bring her home.”

SUPPORT THROUGH PREGNANCY LOSS

“My family has been an amazing support system for me. When I learned that I was going to have to go in for a dilation and curettage (D&C) after losing Anthony, I called my husband first and then my parents who lived three hours away and my parents immediately got in the car and drove down for the weekend. I’ll never forget seeing my dad when we arrived at the hospital for the D&C procedure at the same time and he ran into the hospital looking for me and I could see his pain. This loss hurt my parents in their own way.  

Despite being the first one in my friend group to get pregnant, they all knew what to say and I was so thankful to have been surrounded by an amazing group of women. It’s rare to have a friend group from elementary and middle school, but a few weeks after the D&C, they came down to visit and surrounded me in the love and support I truly needed.

The other place I found support was Instagram. I searched hashtags and realized that there was an entire community of people who had gone through something similar to me. There were people who took their experience and pain and used it to create art, write poetry, and share their stories. I felt so comforted in this space to the point where three days after my loss, I shared about it on my personal Instagram account. From that first post, I had people I went to high school with, friends of friends, and my husband’s coworkers’ wives reaching out and sharing they had a miscarriage, too. They were sending me messages of hope and telling me they knew how it felt. I had no idea that so many people I was connected to had gone through this and it opened my eyes to how common it was. It didn’t make me feel better necessarily, because going through a loss is gut wrenching, but it made me feel less alone.”

“The day I did go back to see my son, I took my daughter with me, and it was an incredibly moving day that I will never forget.”

THE DAYS AFTER A MISCARRIAGE NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

“As if going through pregnancy loss wasn’t difficult enough, the day after my D&C, the hospital made me sign paperwork deciding what we wanted to do with the remains of my pregnancy. The options were to get a death certificate, keep the remains at the hospital, or do a full funeral. Another option was to have the remains buried at a mass cemetery plot at a local cemetery designated specifically for pregnancy loss. It was a new initiative completely covered by the hospital and it aligned with what my husband and I wanted to do. They gave me the information for the cemetery and said I could contact them for more information.

In the following weeks, my grief manifested in needing the closure of knowing where my baby was. I called the cemetery several times and they told me to call the hospital. I called the hospital, and they would forward me to one person after another. No one had any idea what I was talking about. After calling for over a month, I decided to call the cemetery again and learned that Anthony had been buried for a month without anyone telling us. I was beside myself and I knew it wasn’t just my son. The cemetery shared that there were 15 other families on the list and all I could think was whether they knew where their babies were.

A couple of weeks after learning about our son, we were ready to visit the plot. We were sent to an unmarked infant section of the cemetery and walked back and forth looking for our baby amongst so many others. Because no one told us where our son’s plot was specifically, we couldn’t find him anywhere and were gutted. We reached out to the hospital network, and they sent an apology letter and a direct contact to a social worker put on the case. It was too little too late.

We’ve since moved away, and it took me a couple of years to have the courage and go to the cemetery to see the plot for myself. The day I did go back to see my son, I took my daughter with me, and it was an incredibly moving day that I will never forget.

I could not believe the disrespect that was shown to my family and to the other families who went through the same thing while the hospital acted like it was nothing. But for us, this was a life that felt forgotten and disrespected and that is why I carried so much frustration, anger and hurt.”

GOING THROUGH PREGNANCY FEELING LIKE YOU DON’T MATTER

“Thankfully, I got to the other side of our loss, and I now have two living children. I don’t live in the same area and don’t have to set foot in the hospital where I lost Anthony ever again. But going through this experience left me feeling like I didn’t matter at so many points…like Anthony didn’t matter.

I have set out in my heart to make sure that people know that it does not matter if you were six weeks along, it does not matter if it was a chemical pregnancy, the thoughts you had in your head and the dreams you had for your child are so important. And they are so real. No one can take that away from you.”

“I was angry because I felt like there were warning signs that were ignored, and I was ignored.”

LACK OF EMPATHY FROM MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS

“One of the most shocking parts of our loss journey was the lack of empathy shown from medical professionals. It is disheartening and I was nervous when we moved, and I had to find a new doctor. I couldn’t go through the same experience again and feel like I didn’t matter. I trusted a lot of people to take care of Anthony and me when I was pregnant with him, and they didn’t. We didn’t receive the care we needed or deserved and the whole experience was a shock to my system.”

TO THOSE STILL WALKING THEIR PATH OF PREGNANCY LOSS

 “Never be afraid to advocate for yourself.  

It’s also important to give yourself grace. I know a lot of people, like me, want to jump back into trying immediately after a pregnancy loss. But if you feel like you need to take a break and you don’t know if you’re emotionally ready to be pregnant again, then take a second and take a step back.

You commonly hear about how time is ticking forward but you can always take the time that you need for yourself. If you need time off work, talk to your human resources department and see what is available to you as a form of bereavement. I did not want to take any time off right away after I lost Anthony, and then suddenly a couple of weeks after my loss, I had an anxiety attack at work, and I knew I had to go immediately.

Listen to yourself and what you need physically and mentally. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to be angry. Find someone who will be there to listen to you and not give you the “at least” statements. Find the person who is able to just sit with you in your moments filled with grief and support you in that way. It will go so much further than all the surface level words that get thrown out there when people simply do not know what to say.

Give yourself grace. Give yourself time and find at least one person to support you as you move through your grief.”

After Brittany lost Anthony, she was fortunate to welcome two daughters into the world, but she has been forever changed by her loss. The pregnancy loss journey that Brittany was forced to walk inspired her to create a beautiful online community, The Understanding Heart, for those who have experienced loss, grief and heartache. You can continue to follow Brittany and see how she continues to support others experiencing pregnancy loss by providing a safe place and community on Instagram @theunderstandingheart.